mental health · My Life · Uncategorized

The Worst Day Of My Life

This is why I posted that post yesterday…

I barely have the energy to write about this.

Yesterday was a nice day. 

I really nice, fun day.

Then it got ruined.

My parents, Shawn, and I went to this very small kinda family party at my aunt’s house. It was fun because me and Shawn were having awesome conversations, and just having fun.

Recently I’ve been way happier. 

Happier then I’ve been in so long…..

After the party, my parents needed to go food shopping and on the way there they were being so fucking annoying.

So we really didn’t want to be with them so when we got there we went to the store just because I wanted a few things and then told my parents we were going to go to this one store next to where they were. 

We went there and it was closed so we tried to get wifi (because neither of us have phones) After trying we went to the food store again, found my parents and told them we were gonna go to this other store. They said they were getting close to being done but we figured we would just go even for a little bit.

So we walked all the way over there and…… it was closed as well (it was a Sunday so every store closes early)

So we waited outside of the store for a bit then went to a bench close by and waited for probably 10 minutes. Then we walked around a bit (also keep in mind that I am still upset with my parents during this time and I was not in a great mood and Shawn was trying to cheer me up)

We probably walked around near this store for another 5 minutes then we went into this other store for probably, 3 minutes then went out because we wanted to check if my parents were finally there.

They weren’t so we went back to where the food store was and we saw the car.

We go in the car and we hear immediate yelling from my bitchy mom saying “Where were you guys????? Oh my gosh you guys are so selfish where were you??? wah wah wah” Saying the rudest things.

We were like “We were waiting for YOU GUYS for a long time. Where were YOU??” 

They were so mad at us and didn’t hear our side of the story. Assuming that we were SO selfish because we didn’t wait right outside the door (Even though we were for most of the time) 

Oh my gosh you don’t even understand how incredibly annoying and stupid my parents are.

My parents were not listening, saying rude things, CURSING at me, threatening to PUNCH me because I am now yelling at the top of my lungs because THEY WON’T LISTEN.

When this happens my brain freaks out because they are so fucking stupid and won’t listen and I literally start having a mental breakdown and scream super loud. I was literally freaking out and couldn’t fucking stand being in that damn car anymore that I said I wanted to get dropped on the side of the road and walk home.

After trying to get out of the car once. They legit stopped and let me and Shawn out of the car and we had to walk home.

Even though that’s what I wanted 

I can’t believe they actually fucking did that.

Seriously I was crying almost the whole time we were walking. 

Then after like, 50 minutes of walking my dad actually came back to pick us up with my sister.

I have such a shitty family.

Then my dad says that I am grounded FOR A MONTH because I was “disrespectful”

This is seriously mental health and they take none of it seriously.

I start freaking out because basically “grounded” really just means not seeing Shawn because my parents are assholes.

We get to my house and I’m freaking out and my dad is saying “If Shawn doesn’t leave right now I’m going to add a week to the month”

Seriously

I’m freaking out

and

they don’t care

at all.

I’m legit on the ground crying and freaking out.

I’m saying things like I want to kill myself

they don’t care.

I say I’m going to kill myself if I can’t see Shawn for a month.

My mom eventually comes out because of my screaming and she didn’t even hear about this “being grounded for a month” thing.

My dad fucking sucks.

My mom is saying all of these HORRIBLE things about Shawn. That he is “toxic” and he “lies” which are so untrue. She doesn’t realize that SHE is the toxic one and she always lies. Seriously! 

After me saying many times I will kill myself if I’m grounded for a month and this is no fucking joke. Seriously. 

Literally, I was freaking out and saying I am going to kill myself and my brother starts laughing…….

They FINALLY make it only a week if Shawn’s leaves literally right that second and we didn’t even say goodbye.

I cried yesterday so much and I’m crying right now.

I am so unmotivated and I can’t believe my family.

Many other things were said by them that just really hurts.

I’m not even crying because I’m grounded it’s just because of how horrible they are.

I don’t feel like doing anything………..

not even eating.

I’m so done with this fucking family.

I need to move out.

My mental health……

all that I’ve worked for months……….

has just gone out the window………

 

 

Haul · Uncategorized

Shopping Haul!

Hey guys!

The other day Shawn and I went out to eat and shopping! It was a lot of fun. We went to a few stores then got something to eat and then we went to a bunch of stores. We’ve done this type of thing before but this time we actually bought a bunch of stuff! (well at least I did)

Also, we had such a good time and… I don’t know, it was just a lot of fun!

Anyways, onto the haul……

First up is this super cute mint growing kit! Mint is pretty good for you and I wanted to grow my own! It comes with this super cute blue pot, some dirt, and the seeds. I can’t wait to start this little plant of mine!

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So we went into a store where Shawn needed to get something and he didn’t even end up getting it cause they didn’t have it! But I ended up getting some stuff. It was kinda funny how we went there for Shawn but I’m the one who came out with three things.

First of the three things was a sketchbook. I saw this and instantly fell in love with it. I’ve recently got into brush lettering and I thought this would be perfect to use for it! 

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Next up is this beautiful watercolor little notebook! There was a sketchbook that actually matched with this notebook. It was so hard to decide between the one above (which also had a blue version and I didn’t know if I wanted that one) or the watercolor one. I literally took probably 15 minutes to decide and I kept asking Shawn to help me. I ended up getting the pink one because it was the first one I saw out of the three so that meant I fell in love with it before the others.

But every time I look at this notebook I just think it is so perfect and I love it so much! I think I’m going to have it on me all the time so whenever I think of a blog post idea or if I just want to remember something I’ll be able to write it down right away!

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And the last of these three things I got at this store is some gold ballpoint pens. I saw these and like the other things I bought, I instantly loved them and grabbed them. I think they just look amazing haha

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Sorry that this picture isn’t the best. It was kinda hard to take a picture of. But anyways, I got this super cute stool for $5. You can use it as a tiny table, something to sit on, or a foot rest. 

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I got these “Twinkle lights” or how I like to call them Fairy Lights. I already have some of these but I got more to maybe wrap them around a chair I recently got or maybe the stool.

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I also got these globe lights because I’ve always wanted them and they were cheap so I got them! There are only 15 so I’m thinking of putting them around my mirror.

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I got this bowl which I am in love with. (I keep saying that) I wanted this to use for my upcoming posts for some healthy food to eat. I just love the look of it!

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That’s it for the pictures but I also got two dresses. I was being lazy about taking pictures of them haha

I got a white long dress which I think I’m going to use for prom this year. It’s not a very puffy dress so it’s more straight down and it’s kinda lacy.

I also got a short yellow dress for summer. It’s pretty short (above the knee) so I’m going to wear leggings underneath. When I showed my mom it she was like “Oh my gosh it’s so short I can’t believe you actually got that” and I’m like “Uh I’m going to wear leggings under it” and she’s still being annoying about it but I like it so whatever haha I also bought it with my own money so I’m going to wear it.

Anyways, that’s the end of this post! I hope you liked it!.

Always remember to smile, it’s contagious! 🙂

-Penny xx

 

My Life · Uncategorized

Nice Little Surprise!

Hey guys!

Yesterday I was at home after being at work and my family and I were watching a movie and then Shawn showed up!

It was 8:30 pm and actually no one knew he was coming over because it was a very last minute decision because he came from work.

He was planning to just give me something and then leave because he figured that my mom was gonna be annoying about him coming over without asking.

But he actually stayed for a few hours!

It was seriously a really nice surprise because at work I was just thinking that I really wanted to see him and just hang out with him!

When I saw him I legit said out loud “Really??”

Haha

It was because at one point in the day I thought to myself “Oh maybe Shawn will come over and surprise me”

So I was pretty surprised when he actually did.

We sat down and talked for a bit. I was telling him about some things that happened at work and he was telling me about his day.

Then we went back over to where my family was and watched the rest of the movie we were watching.

And then we dyed some eggs! I was just saying to my mom that I wanted to dye eggs with him but we didn’t know if there was going to be any time to do it Sunday.

So I was really happy that he came over!

We boiled some eggs and then we dyed them and it was pretty fun to do!

We made a bit of a mess though…. Well Shawn did anyways haha

Here are the eggs we dyed.

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I was using my Ipod to take these pictures so the quality might not be as good.

I think my favorite one is the white/yellow one which I made 🙂

Did you guys dye eggs for Easter?

Also what are your plans for Easter? If you celebrate Easter

Always remember to smile, it’s contagious! 🙂

-Penny xx

 

 

 

 

Months Favorites · Uncategorized

My March Favorites!

Hey guys!

Ok soooooo

I haven’t written a Month Favorites since November…..

Whoops!

So this post is gonna be anything that I loved since then cause, to be honest, I’m not gonna remember which month it was from…

So let’s get into it!

First off will be a book!

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Everything, Everything by Nicola Yoon

I got this book because I had wanted to read it for so long, but always kept putting it off for some reason. Last month I bought it online and read it. It was sooooo good!

It was super easy to read because a lot of the first half of the book are IM conversations and pages not completely full. If you really wanted to, you could finish this book in a day but I spaced it out a little bit.

The plot twist was something I was not expecting (which is always good) It made me be like “What??” and kinda made me feel weird but that’s ok.

Always, it was a great book and you should really give it a read! Especially since the movie is coming out next month!

Also, I’m so sorry for not taking these pictures of the book and other things myself. I just didn’t want to keep pushing back making this post because of that reason.

Now music!

So since I haven’t made this type of post in a while I have a lot of music to share!

Ok so I think for January and February I was really into:

Unsteady by X Ambassadors

The A Team by Ed Sheeran 

Say You Won’t Let Go (cover) By Leroy Sanchez

This song is seriously so good and I like the cover better so you really need to check it out!

Don’t Wanna Know by Maroon 5

Castle On The Hill by Ed Sheeran

I’ve been listening to that song ever since it came out. So good!

The Death Of A Bachelor by Panic! At the Disco

Loved that song so much for so long! Kept playing it over and over again.

Let It Go by James Bay

A really sad song but I loved it.

So this is both music and a movie……

La La Land!

This movie is seriously, so good.

They do things you wouldn’t expect which made it really good. But also super sad. This movie made me cry, laugh, and have a good time! I actually somehow missed all the buzz this movie got (Yeah I know. I must live in a rock) but I somehow missed it all. So I was very pleasantly surprised and didn’t really have my hopes up too high as it was a last-minute decision to go see it with my sister. But I am so very happy I saw it!

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The music is also amazing! I came home from seeing the movie and legit bought the CD online. I’ve been listening to these songs ever since. They give me motivation for the day because of the upbeat tones and the one song is perfect for motivation. 

This movie is coming out on DVD later this month. In my opinion its a must buy so you better get it! Haha

Next thing is a show which I just finished.

No I’m serious…. I just finished it about an hour ago..

It is actually an anime called Death Note.maxresdefault.jpg

It is a pretty well-known anime. I’ve never liked anime I always thought it was kinda weird. Shawn is really into anime on the other hand.

Surprisingly I didn’t start watching this show because of Shawn though. This show is coming out with a new movie soon so I thought I would watch the show because the trailer for the movie intrigued me.

The first episode was…. ok 

The second episode….. AMAZING. 

This show hooked me from then on.

I loved this show so much. It makes you love the bad guy but also the good guy all at the same time.

This show made me so happy because I loved all the detective type things. I’ve always liked that type of stuff.

The ending………….

…………

So.

Sad.

But I won’t say anymore. You have to watch it!

It is a creepy show and it sounds really weird but give it a chance. Just watch the first two episodes and see if you like it!

That’s it for this month(s) favorites!

Comment down below what you guys have been loving lately and also if you know any of these things that I’ve mentioned!

Always remember to smile, it’s contagious! 🙂

-Penny xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fitness · My Life · My Thoughts · Uncategorized

Eating Disorder? My “Weightloss Journey” Kinda

Hey guys!

Ok, so where do I even begin?

I guess I’ll be telling you about my weight loss? I honestly don’t know what to call this.

I’ve been thinking about making a post about this for a while now but I never really knew where to start since I feel like there is so much to say. So this might be a very long post.

Last year in…. May? Honestly, I don’t really remember when it started.

Maybe it was earlier? I don’t know

Anyways, I just remember I started kinda, getting up while I would watch a show and literally do the smallest amount of jumping jacks and high knees.

I was tired of being fat and ugly.

So I started doing a little bit of stuff.

I then started doing this game called “Just Dance” I bet you have heard of it. Well, instead of the remotes I would use weights! They were only 3 pounds each but when you do like, 5 songs with not much of a break it gets pretty hard. I feel like if you are so unmotivated to workout this is a great workout. Especially with the newer Just Dances because they have faster songs (which I would mostly try to do the more intense ones with a few of the slower ones)

That really actually, started helping a little bit. That was my main workout. I didn’t really do anything else. Also, let’s say we had some desserts in our house. If I wanted some I would only allow myself to pick one. Instead of all of them. Honestly, that started helping as well.

Surprising I didn’t care that much about a lot of different desserts. Surprising because I was overweight and also because I love to bake. I honestly would rather have some fruit over any brownie. I never understood when I was bigger and my brother was so small even though all he ate was junk and barely ever had veggies or fruit.

I later found out that yes, you can eat too much fruit and veggies. Also, I just ate a lot more than I should.

So after a little bit, I started eating less.

And I started doing some workout videos. I would always do this core exercise that is only 7 minutes and I still do that to this day. I remember doing it for the first time and my stomach hurt so bad! I’ve never really done this type of thing before and my muscles were not used to that type of thing. But soon later that type of pain never happened again.

Doing just that one exercise really helped! Also if it was a nice day out I would run/walk around my lawn for 30 minutes.

I started doing more workout videos that all together would probably take up 45 minutes of my time and if I felt like going outside I would.

But I also started eating less and less…..

I would always look at the calories and eat two meals a day. My first meal would be as small as I could make it and my second meal (Which was dinner) was whatever my mom made for dinner but I wouldn’t have seconds.

I became obsessed with food. I was thinking about food almost all the time. I would be in a class and all I could think about was how excited I was for dinner. Because sometimes that would be my only meal of the day.

I had done this for so long. I would eat less so that if I knew I was gonna eat more like when Shawn comes over. So I would eat more on some days but little on other days.

I’ve watched hundreds of videos for healthy foods, how to lose weight, and all this stuff.

I’ve even gone a day without eating at all. And my reason for that was to “See if I could actually do it” which was true. That was kinda my main reason for doing that.

Anyways, after a while of doing this and my thoughts were all about food. And as a side note, when I say this, this was seriously all I was thinking about and it would annoy me. It was not good.

Anyways, after doing all this, I watched a few videos saying that if you restrict your calories it can really screw you up. I then freaked out cause I didn’t want that.

So I stopped.

I ate more.

Sometimes I would eat less.

Now don’t get me wrong, I knew you shouldn’t only eat one meal a day. But I still did it.

But this time I really just freaked out.

When the holidays came around whenever we made sweet stuff or when we had party’s I would eat as much as I could because I said to myself that as soon as all of the holidays is over I’m gonna eat a lot less again. So I legit ate so much.

On Halloween, I ate a lot of candy in literally, two days. Because I knew I wouldn’t have it after a few days so I ate it all up.

November with Thanksgiving coming along I was going to eat as small as I could through most of the month but I’m pretty sure I didn’t

December I did the same.

And January. This was gonna be the new start. I was gonna get back to being healthy after eating so much and….. gaining almost 10 pounds back over these 2 months…..

I was annoyed at myself but I just knew that I would be able to lose it soon.

And I haven’t….

I’ve been working out still but I’ve been eating so much. This year has been stressful so whenever I would freak out, get sad, or whatever I would eat so much.

Also, my sugar cravings are more than ever in my life. I love all desserts and I want it all now.

And I’m still like this. I haven’t been eating as healthy as I use to. I eat wayyyy too much.

Just a few days ago I’ve been kinda trying to eat a lot less again. I’ve already kinda messed up but I’m gonna keep on trying.

I hate that I don’t lose weight anymore and I gain weight a lot of the time.

Also, at some point, I was looking up eating disorders for some reason. I read about them and as I read it I was like “This was how I was”

  • Inadequate food intake leading to a weight that is clearly too low. 
  • Intense fear of weight gain, obsession with weight and persistent behavior to prevent weight gain.
  • Self-esteem overly related to body image.
  • Inability to appreciate the severity of the situation.

Now I was not underweight (and I’m still nowhere near underweight) but that was the only difference. I watched some videos as well and they said: “All my thoughts were just about food.”

So I guess I might’ve had an eating disorder or started to? I did this for months as well….

Now I know what you are thinking “Why the heck are you eating less again?” Because this is the only way to stop myself from overeating. No joke.

I’ll eat more on some days and not on others.

But I’m not gonna get as bad as last time.

To lose weight you do have to eat a little bit less than normal. It’s literally just how it is! Don’t only eat like, 1,000 calories. But dropping your usual intake by 300 calories won’t hurt.

So now that I talked about all this…….

I’m gonna start sharing healthy tips, recipes, workouts, and other things! I know a LOT about these types of things and I really wanna share it with people who want to know! So I’m gonna try to do this as much as I can cause I honestly love talking about this stuff.

No, I’m not skinny but I’m trying to reach my goal and I wanna help you as I help myself!

I’ve watched a lot of videos and looked up a bunch of things.

I’ve seen it all.

So I’m gonna share what I think actually works (at least what I’ve seen so far)

I’m pretty excited about this!

I’ve gone kinda through it all.

So I can’t wait to help you guys!

Always remember to smile, it’s contagious! 🙂

-Penny xx

 

 

My Life · Uncategorized

Ran Away…..

Hey guys…..

So….

I ran away from home.

I just couldn’t take it anymore! I can’t handle crying every day because of these people. 

I need to get away.

The stress from my family is just too much…..

Shawn took one of the cars at his house and he picked me up.

I took everything I could, including this laptop I am writing on. Right now we stopped to get food and I got wifi.

We are planning to go somewhere far away and never come back.

Get jobs and live together.

When I’m old enough to get married without parent consent we are planning to get married.

Guys, I’m so freaked out!

I can’t believe I actually did this….

They might call the police so we are going to have to live in quiet for a while…..

I don’t know when my next post will be.

I’m so scared but I am so excited. I can finally get away from all my stress and live with the one person I love and care about.

I’ll finally be happy again……

I need to be happy. Everyone says to do what makes you happy and this makes me happy. I am already so happy to be out of my house.

I’m just worried.

And anxious……

Am I crazy?

No. This is what I have to do. 

Wish me luck. 

-Penny xx

 

 

 

 

 

 

APRIL FOOLS!

I’m so sorry if this actually freaked you out. Right now it is April 1st and I thought I would pull a prank on you guys! It was just a joke. Although a lot of things I said in this is kinda true… about the stress and stuff. I would never actually run away. At least not at this age……. haha

Also, can you believe it’s already April???? Crazy!!!

Anyways, see you guys later!