mental health · My Life · Uncategorized

My First Time|Having Sex With Anxiety

Hey guys!

Oh gosh, I can’t believe I’m actually writing about this…

Oh, and as you can tell by the title this might be a bit TMI but like, it’s not too bad haha.

Well me and Shawn were at his house and his parents weren’t home…

We were in his room and well…

Basically, we finally did it after waiting a few years.

We didn’t like, plan it or anything. And I wasn’t even sure in the moment if we should do it cause we were originally waiting for marriage.

But, it was honestly amazing. I felt, so, happy after it. I felt so in love and connected with him. It just felt right.

I thought I was never going to be able to do this cause of my anxiety. We’ve gotten close to doing it before and I would always, end up getting anxiety and freaking out. I would always feel so bad cause Shawn would feel that it was all his fault and that he was a monster but it was never his fault.

It was crazy.

I felt so happy.

We each told one of our closest friends because well, for Shawn he just really wanted to tell him and for me, he kinda just got it out of me.

My friend asked if I felt guilty or if I was good. He said he was just asking out of concern, not judgment. I understood why he would ask me that (and so many other questions) because he knows me. He never ever would thought I would end up doing this kind of thing. Just because of the fact of me being Catholic and I don’t know. I’ve always been the “good” girl. But I wouldn’t say doing this would make me suddenly bad. But I didn’t feel regret or guilt. I said I wasn’t sure before it, but now after I feel happy and ok.

But honestly, I never thought I would do this either!

But back to talking about the anxiety part of all this…

Because of it I would say sorry randomly or ask if I was doing it right. I think anxiety was more a thing after it where I kept asking him if I was good. I would say I’m so ugly why would you have wanted to do this with me. I would, I don’t know, ask him if he loved me (I’m not saying I didn’t feel loved I was just being anxious) and of course, he said he did.

The whole thing was out of love.

I was very, close to him afterward like I didn’t want to leave his side.

But I gave him all my trust, mind, and body to him and he took care of all of it. He said I looked beautiful when I felt the most valuable and said don’t say sorry when I kept saying it cause I felt like I was messing up.

I would say to anyone who feels I am too young, which I am quite young for this I agree. But I would say, it doesn’t matter about the age. It matters about who you are and who you did it with. It wasn’t some random guy, it was with the man I’ve been with for over 2 years and who I will marry one day.

But I’m really happy. I’m happy my anxiety didn’t get in the way too much. I’m happy that we are now closer together and more in love. I’m happy that I’m, well, happy.

I’m seriously in love.

-Penny xx

 

 

Blogmas 2017 · My Life · Uncategorized

Failing Blogmas

Hey guys!

Alright, can I just say that I kinda failed that last bit of blogmas?

I don’t know what happened I just didn’t feel like sitting down and typing cause I was tired, busy, and lazy.

Oh well, I did pretty well, considering I wasn’t planning to do it at all until I just, well, started writing some posts on December 1st!

Anyways, something crazy, amazing, and important happened yesterday and I think I’ll write that post right after this one and either post it right away or save it for tomorrow.

I don’t know how much information is too much information but warning you, I will prob go into detail.

Anywayssss I hope you guys had an amazing Christmas and got everything you wanted.

Love,

Penny xx

Blogmas 2017 · Uncategorized

Ice Skating – Blogmas Day 18

Hey guys!

Ice skating.

I am absolutely horrible, at ice skating.

You know why?

Cause I don’t know how to.

I am a 16-year-old girl and 4-year-olds could skate circles around me.

Today me, some of my fam, and Shawn went ice skating.

It’s not like this is the first time ever in my life that I’ve ever ice skated. I’ve done it before but I never learned how!

Basically (if we were lucky) we would go ice skating maybe once a year.

And to learn how to ice skate you kinda need to go more times than that.

But when we would go I would stay by the wall and my dad would be with me the whole time otherwise I wouldn’t do it.

He would try to teach me and for some reason, I legit can’t learn. But, sometimes I would start to learn and then we would have to leave and not come back for another year and I would forget everything again.

Now I have Shawn in place of my Dad in this situation.

Except I hardly learned anything today cause for some reason my feet can’t do it! 

Also, I have kinda a fear of falling. 

And to be honest that’s fair cause I recently slipped outside of work on ice and now my back hurts from it.

Can you guys ice skate?

One week to go!

-Penny xx

Blogmas 2017 · Uncategorized

A Little Tipsy – Blogmas Day 17

Hey guys!

Today was interesting.

And this is an anonymous blog and no one knows me in real life so I can just tell you everything right?

Shawn had a “party” today at his house. And by “party” I mean there was like, 6 people there. But his family isn’t around right now so he had us over.

By the way, my parents didn’t know. They knew we went out somewhere but like, didn’t know about the party thing.

But it was pretty fun but it got kinda annoying at some points because ya know, people were being annoying. Also, this one girl kept having alcohol. She had like a bottle of rum.

She did buy that herself she isn’t underage but still.

But there was like, a little bit left and we were trying to keep it away from her. I smelled it and I tried some and it tasted horrible. But apparently, this kind of alcohol is like, really hard so if you just have a little bit and you are sensitive to alcohol it can make you drunk fast.

But I had a tiny bit and I spat some of it out. But then I ended up have a little more cause I wanted to see what would happen.

Let’s just say I got a little tipsy.

I’ve never gotten like this before so idk it wasn’t that bad. Also I think some of it had to do with me also being a bit tired.

But I was a little dizzy and out of it and I kept telling Shawn how well, I wanted to do stuff with him.

I kept being weird towards him and we ended up going into his room. But we didn’t uh (TMI) had sex or anything but we might’ve done some other stuff….

I might still be a little out of it while writing this lol.

But I legit didn’t care but if it got anything close to that I was like “hey we can’t do that”

But overall it was a fun, interesting party.

Right now I’m just really tired and a little out of it.

Talk to ya next time!

-Penny xx

 

Blogmas 2017 · Uncategorized

Christmas Tree! – Blogmas Days 15 & 16

Hey guys!

I didn’t make a post yesterday and I was too lazy to make two posts for today and yesterday so I decided to make this post for both of the days.

Yesterday I finally went Christmas shopping before work. But I didn’t have much time so near the end I started getting anxiety cause I needed to get to work!

I was a few minutes late.

It was so slow yesterday at work cause it was snowing all day!

And as soon as I walked outside when I was leaving I slipped on ice and fell and now my back hurts 😦

My family put the tree up yesterday and put lights on it!

But today I got to put ornaments all over the tree. We finally put it up!

It looks so nice and now we have stuff all around the house!

It makes me happy! 

I feel like I need to do all this stuff today before work but I am being lazy and I don’t really remember what I need to do haha

Christmas is almost here!

-Penny xx

Blogmas 2017 · Uncategorized

My Day – Blogmas Day 14

Hey guys!

As you guys know I go to a co-op rather than going to a public school. I’m homeschooled.

Today at our co-op we had like, a half day and then the rest of the day we had this Christmas party with baskets to put tickets in for and it was cool. But we didn’t win anything besides dessert which isn’t great but yeah.

After I got home I put up some more decorations in our house. We have this little tree that already has lights on it and I put it in one of the rooms of the house. Then I put some white lights over by our fireplace (which doesn’t work) and I put me and Shawn’s stockings there as well (we are doing stockings for each other this year)

I think it looks really nice but we gotta put up our big Christmas tree still!!!

Shawn came round later and hung out and then we watched some of Zoella’s vlogs for Vlogmas which was fun. It was so chill and I don’t know, it just made me happy.

I think I am just really happy that things have gotten better between us and closer to normal. I really love him and I’m just…

Happy.

Do you guys watch Youtubers vlogs for Vlogmas? If so, who do you watch?

-Penny xxx