Oh gosh, I can’t believe I’m actually writing about this…
Oh, and as you can tell by the title this might be a bit TMI but like, it’s not too bad haha.
Well me and Shawn were at his house and his parents weren’t home…
We were in his room and well…
Basically, we finally did it after waiting a few years.
We didn’t like, plan it or anything. And I wasn’t even sure in the moment if we should do it cause we were originally waiting for marriage.
But, it was honestly amazing. I felt, so, happy after it. I felt so in love and connected with him. It just felt right.
I thought I was never going to be able to do this cause of my anxiety. We’ve gotten close to doing it before and I would always, end up getting anxiety and freaking out. I would always feel so bad cause Shawn would feel that it was all his fault and that he was a monster but it was never his fault.
It was crazy.
I felt so happy.
We each told one of our closest friends because well, for Shawn he just really wanted to tell him and for me, he kinda just got it out of me.
My friend asked if I felt guilty or if I was good. He said he was just asking out of concern, not judgment. I understood why he would ask me that (and so many other questions) because he knows me. He never ever would thought I would end up doing this kind of thing. Just because of the fact of me being Catholic and I don’t know. I’ve always been the “good” girl. But I wouldn’t say doing this would make me suddenly bad. But I didn’t feel regret or guilt. I said I wasn’t sure before it, but now after I feel happy and ok.
But honestly, I never thought I would do this either!
But back to talking about the anxiety part of all this…
Because of it I would say sorry randomly or ask if I was doing it right. I think anxiety was more a thing after it where I kept asking him if I was good. I would say I’m so ugly why would you have wanted to do this with me. I would, I don’t know, ask him if he loved me (I’m not saying I didn’t feel loved I was just being anxious) and of course, he said he did.
The whole thing was out of love.
I was very, close to him afterward like I didn’t want to leave his side.
But I gave him all my trust, mind, and body to him and he took care of all of it. He said I looked beautiful when I felt the most valuable and said don’t say sorry when I kept saying it cause I felt like I was messing up.
I would say to anyone who feels I am too young, which I am quite young for this I agree. But I would say, it doesn’t matter about the age. It matters about who you are and who you did it with. It wasn’t some random guy, it was with the man I’ve been with for over 2 years and who I will marry one day.
But I’m really happy. I’m happy my anxiety didn’t get in the way too much. I’m happy that we are now closer together and more in love. I’m happy that I’m, well, happy.
I’m seriously in love.